wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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