Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
