I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
