stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
