she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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