just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
