remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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