My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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