Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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