Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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