my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
