so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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