I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He passed out mid-signature
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
