ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
