I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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