Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
