The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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