My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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