Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
