K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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