It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
