I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
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quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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