Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Pooping to opera.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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