Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
