She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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