Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
