Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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