it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
