Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
