Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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