the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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