I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
