Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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