my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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