I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
