Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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