you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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