it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
