so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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