Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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