I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
