Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
