Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
