My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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