I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
