That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
