My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
