you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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