The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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