I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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