im six kinds of drunk right now
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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