Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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