Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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