I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
