That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
