Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
