Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
