...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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