Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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