hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Vodka?
Forever.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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