I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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