i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
