My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I am one with the molecules
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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