we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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