They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
