Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it