took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She's the barista slut.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.