I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt