I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
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He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
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My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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