she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
